Coaching — the art of listening
When we think of art, we think of creative activities such as painting or sculpture or singing. Such activities seem like a deliberate act which require attention. Therefore, it might seem strange to think of listening — which is considered a passive activity — as an art. More so, it might be funny to think that the act of listening can require full attention and can be a meditative act. Unfortunately, the times we live in listening is done not from a place of curiosity or with an intention to understand, but from a place of responding or waiting to speak when it’s your turn.
When an artist starts to paint, the painting happens from a space which can only be described as sacred — the artist is so engaged and involved in the process that the art happens through her and not by her. In such a space, the artist is so devoted to the painting that the artist becomes one with the painting and cannot “think” of anything else but the painting.
Applying the same principle to coaching, it can be said that coaching is an art of listening — of deep listening. Such listening happens from a sacred space — a space where you are so focused and so fully present that what emerges as a response to such listening are questions that seem only natural. In such a space, you are not waiting for your turn to speak nor are you using your mind to analyse the situation nor are you getting carried away by your emotions.
In my experience of coaching individuals, I have come to discover that there is a way to listen which can only be described as an art — an experience which happens through you but not by you. Such conversation can be best equated with a child’s curiosity to know about a subject — the child does not assume anything, neither does he take anything for granted, nor does he judge — he is simply curious yet innocent in his questions because these questions do not come from a space of right / wrong or judgement but from a space of complete engagement, innocence, and curiosity.
The sentiment behind coaching can be best described as the sentiment of a mother caring for her sick child — she does it with her full heart and gives her complete attention, — it’s an act of devotion.
So what does a coaching conversation mean for an individual?
When an individual engages in a coaching conversation, it’s the responsibility of the coach to make his presence like the air in the room — he is fully present — yet he is not the focus of the conversation. The conversation is not about him at all. All he is does is listen deeply and ask questions which seem only natural. Because a coach’s intention is not to give advice or to judge or to tell the individual what to do, the coach is not using his mind.
What is the prerequisite for such a conversation?
The imperative to call any conversation a coaching conversation is when the coach believes that the individual — and the individual alone — is equipped to find her own answers. No one else knows what’s right for her. Only she knows.
By believing that the individual knows what’s right for her, the coach pushes her thought process and challenges her to her own assumptions — “What makes you feel that way?”, “Why do you think you lack confidence?”, “What makes you so sure that following A will lead to B”?. What emerges as a consequence of such a process is that the individual becomes aware of her own thought process, belief systems, fears, and values. Therefore, she knows why she acts or thinks the way she does — for example, she may be acting from a place of fear some of which may be unfounded and some of which may not be serving her anymore. Once she recognises that, she is more free in thinking as her mind is no longer engulfed by the fear, leading to more informed decision making and deliberate action.
On the contrary, believing that “I”, the coach, knows what’s right for the individual and that I have the answers for her questions, not only do you deny the person the ability to think on their own but also frame questions in a way that lead you to get the answers that you would like to hear.
What might come in the way of such a conversation
The number one constraint to having an effective coaching conversation is bringing your own “I” — judgements, values, belief systems and emotions — to the conversation. When you listen to conversation with a sense of “I”, it’s only natural that you will frame questions from your perspective.
Secondly, non — acceptance of the individual for who she is and judging her for her thoughts, beliefs, actions or values. By doing so, you are compartmentalising what you’re hearing into right or wrong based on what little you know about the individual.
Lastly, the need to help the individual. It might sound counterintuitive that the need to help the individual can be an impediment to having an effective coaching conversation. However, the need to help is the need of a coach. It’s the need of the coach that the individual finds the answers when the coach wants. It’s the need of the coach who cannot see the person struggle to get her answers. It’s the assumption of the coach to assume when the time is right for her to find her own answers.
As with any other art form, coaching happens effortlessly when we drop the “I” — our judgments, our assumptions, and our need to help the other person. Paradoxically, by dropping the “I”, we are making the coaching conversation all about the other person and in doing so, we are so fully present to listening deeply to her, that the act of listening becomes a meditative act.
